It’s not Ok. In truth, it’s not.

I had never spoken to this lady. The first time we ever had a semblance of a conversation was yesterday-and I was rude to her. She had every right to say what she said.
I was on the wrong.
I know I was. There is no justification. I talked back. There were 8 or more persons in the room and when I retorted, the room fell silent. Everyone was surprised. Or so I found out later.
I have been on edge lately and this lady is not the first victim.
I have problems with relationships- not love relationships only, but relationships in general. I find it hard to express myself completely. It’s almost as though my whole being wishes to be misunderstood.
I don’t have a girlfriend, (I could almost say: “Thank goodness”…but then…who am I kidding?).
I can’t stand myself sometimes. I get depressed and I am a total asshole when I want to be-I single handedly hurt my ex-girlfriend, my new friend and now, my ex-girlfriend’s best friend.(:D I just wanted to use ‘friend’ four times in one sentence).
I find it hard to trust and when I do, I overexpect ( is that even a word?”overexpect”…eh…)
Lately, I have reduced the duration of conversations with my brother,(I’m being euphemistic here). If I had it my way, I would live alone. I find it better to handle things in isolation.
I need many things (duh…who doesn’t?)- Books, a new PC, a camera, internet access etc.
The list is not that long. I’m probably exaggerating .I ‘m very good at selling my case anyway.
However, when it comes to feelings-I get really, really dumb.
For example: if I see a lady I like, I freak out (I’m good at hiding it), but then I exhibit this cool, calm, funny even smart (yep…I surprise me self everyday) dude who is very friendly- AT ALL TIMES!
If I see someone I respect or admire, I find a way to mess it up. Someway, somehow I succeed.
News Flash! I am an evil genius!
I have a dark side. I want to believe everyone does. Some are better at managing the explosions.
The problem is: I’m not.
I’m not good at saying: “I’m fine”, when I’m not. I can pretend for a while but after a few hours, if you look at my eyes you can see the pain, the tears, the soundless wailing.
I can’t voice it. I can’t shout. I can’t talk straight.
I keep it inside. It eats and burns; churning and stirring waiting to seep out.
Some days I succeed; most days I fail.
Yesterday I failed.
I burst open.
I burst every day. Every blessed day I burst in silence. I cry and curse behind my smiles and jokes.
The beauty is ,no one sees through. No one hears me.
I wish the tears could drip. That for once, in my fake smile after a crafty joke, someone would pull me over and say:
“Hey man, what’s wrong? And don’t tell me nothing is wrong! I can see it in your eyes”.
I apologized later. After a few hours, I went up to her and said; I was sorry about what I told her and explained the situation. I even added: I was hungry and sad. I had a strange face. It showed neither hunger nor sadness.
I actually was both and even more.
But I was truly sorry.
She smiled and said:” It’s Ok”. That she had felt really surprised at my words but that it was Ok.
I didn’t feel it was Ok. I still don’t.


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