“This is not happening. This can not be” ( Loss Part 1)

I used to say I  don’t know how it feels to lose someone close. As I write this, i still don’t know exactly. Maybe I never will. But, what i can tell you is that I have a feeling very close that.

Stop me if my description is inaccurate: there’s a hot sensation around your face and all hunger fades away. You feel no need;neither to eat ,go to the bathroom , or talk, It is fully felt especially when you are alone. You are helpless- probably the only word that describes the state. Helpless. You feel no one can help you. You feel your world crumble-literally. Your dreams become meaningless. No way forward. Not only do you no know what step to take , but there is no path before your clouded eyes.

Your breathing speeds. Heart rate too. Sometimes a shiver or two as you consider the cold possibility. Then, there is the default thought chain:

“This is not happening. This can not be”.

Denial, psychologists call it. I call it truth. Because it is. It is happening. You know it. I know it. Thinking about it is not denying its veracity. The mind just expresses the truth in a more …acceptable manner.

All along this cold, harsh, long or short road to recovery, you will remind yourself of this-in thought and sometimes by saying it. Or murmuring it.

” This is not happening”.

You don’t say this to anyone. We both know ‘this‘ is happening. We both know ‘it‘ has happened. We are just easing ourselves into the truths-gently like a mother putting her naked baby into the half-filled bathtub. She pours the lukewarm liquid around the child with care , affection and admiration of the tender skin.

Cold water stings, hot water scalds. Like our brain, our mother would never intentionally hurt us.

“This is not happening”.

We prepare for the fact, the ‘not’ is a veil- distancing us just a little from what we know is ahead.

Like the water wets the skin aiding to lather and clean,our synapses soothe. The tears serve as an outlet. It is oft said ; Women live longer than men because they express themselves better-happiness, anger, sorrow,grief. That women cry more hence move on from negative emotions faster than their husbands,brothers and nephews.

I don’t know how true this is but I agree with one valuable assertion-tears relieve.

Punctuating reality and distancing ourselves from the fact,tears remind us of a universal truth ( probably the only indisputable statement): we all die-we all return to the ground. Tears fall down. Sometimes, they run down.They carry heavy hearts…bleeding hearts. A heart break without tears is not one-so is a death or a defeat or a loss.

Losing is hard. Losing to an ultimate master is harder.When you know there is literally NOTHING you can do, it is even worse.

Like the water lathering and cleaning, tears shed ‘dirt’ off the mind. No one is ever the same after an emotionally rich cry. It changes you.

It changed me.

 

 

Image from: http://dreamandhustle.com/2012/11/my-tears-will-not-be-as-salty-as-the-african-american-reaction-to-21st-century-globalization/

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