How to Irritate #Douala Cab Drivers (#Satire #Humor)

At the Deido Roundabout (Rond Point)- the Reunification Monument..

If someone would have told me I’d be spending life after graduation in the economic Capital of my Nation Cameroon, the hurt on my face would have been a perfect reflection of the heat, sandy earth and outright chaos that Douala is.
However, given the nature of my career choice( media content) Douala, is definitely the place to be. There is more to this place than I could ever put in text. In the meantime, enjoy this taxi cab modus operandi satire- a product of my daily commute.
( I take four cabs to work everyday. Except Sundays. Two to go and two to return home. Let me not even start on the traffic. That, is another story. Enjoy)


A. Don’t tell them how much you have.

Don’t propose. When you get to your destination, stretch your hand like you do into the offering box on Sundays and give what you have. Make sure you ‘sound’ and ‘look’ entitled. After all, you’re paying. And that’s just his job. When he tells you “you should have said it earlier”, neither be calm nor apologetic. Make sure he knows he’s not your father. Even if he looks older than your father.


B. If your money requires change, ensure you notify just as soon as you alight.

If he’s not pleased…well…no big deal; you’ve given him his money anyway. Now, it’s part of his job description to find your change. And oh, don’t forget to strut impatiently about. Throw in a comment or two about incompetence. You have things to do. And as usual, look and sound entitled.

C. Don’t tell him you don’t know your location.
In Cameroon, we have 4G ( or do we?) So, by my meager understanding of technology, GPS should work. Or Siri. Or something. Anything.
I just need to give my driver the location and he should gleefully announce when we get there. That’s his job. He has a super brain. I don’t still get why he’s not an engineer or something… If by any chance he asks you whether you WERE supposed to drop at a zone you’ve apparently skipped, if by any chance he raises his voice in anger and disapproval at your lack of initiative, tact and base communication…you know what to do, right?
Hint: you’re impatient, entitled and you have a life. No time for basic human kindness.

D. Be very, very quiet. The whole time. Even if he asks whether you’d have preferred Ronald or Messi to win the most coveted Football award, don’t tell him that when you heard Messi’s name you cried for Ronaldo. That you’re not a football fan but you still know that what Yaya Toure did was not cool. Don’t smile. Even though it’s free. Remember that the driver can read minds and doesn’t need human conversation like other…you know…humans. Your life his better than his. He’s not your level. Why bother?


E. Change your location multiple times.

Especially if it’s just a regular fare and not a depot*. It doesn’t matter if the stops are not in the same neighborhood . In fact, the farther and more intertwined the stops are, the better. They might say Douala is a huge town and that no one really knows it well. Who cares? Of course you don’t. You’re paying, that’s your job. He’s driving, and should know the town end to end. That’s his job.

Bonus:
F. Stand on the wrong side of the road. Of you can, stand at a junction where it’s difficult for the driver to stop. Whisper your location such that only another passenger will have to repeat it to him.
And remember: you’re entitled. You’re busy. You have a life.

If well carried out, the disdain cab drivers would go a long way to ensure that you always get to work late, always pay more than required, and eventually have to switch to bike riders.
And I’m very confident we can find a way to piss them off too.

Did I miss out on ways to get drivers angry? What’s your experience like with cab drivers? Do you like how they get treated sometimes?

I’ll be glad to know what you think.

*depot: Rent a cab to drop at a particular location and you ( single human passenger) pay the fare for the other four empty seats just so the cab gets to your stop without interruption.

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3 comments

  1. Show him your finger, or hand, or whatever gesture you use to catch his attention. When he stops and stretches to look at you, say something inaudible. He’s gonna ask “Ou???”. This time, say something less audible than you did the first time.

    Bet you he runs over the immediate-next pedestrian (and curses you a hundred times over, silently. Or not.)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Muahahahaha. It gets me every time bro: ” Say something less audible than you did the first time…” I have the scene in my mind. hahaha.

      Like

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