Now you know why I left.

Leaving you was the best thing that ever happened to me. I don’t mean this in a “happy” way. More of in an I-should-have-done-this-a-long-time-ago tone. We had a good time together. A great time.

The fact that I am writing this expresses how much the last couple of months meant a great deal to me. You took care of me. You really did. You were a mother, friend, and a lover. You looked at me like I was the only thing that mattered.

You made me believe that I could be loved. Not that I don’t have friends and family who love me, but, I had never imagined the effect the touch of someone who isn’t your blood could have on one’s mood.

Do you remember the time when I was sick and had to stay home all day? When you cooked in the neighbor’s house and brought for me? We stayed home all day and you dabbed my forehead with a wet towel.

Only my mother had ever done that for me. Loving you was the only thing I wanted at the time.

At the time.

At the time, I was struggling with who I wanted to be and the kind of life I wanted. As well as the type of people I would be willing to let into my life.

Time moves fast, doesn’t it? Only a few months ago, we filled memory cards with selfies. We made the neighbors jealous.

Even I was jealous of us sometimes.

“Where have you been all my life?” I’d sometimes wonder.

At the time.

At the time, I refused to acknowledge that I was not ready to be your friend. That I did not trust you. And that the series of events that led to our last conversation were simply a domino effect that lined up nicely from the very first evening we met.

Do you remember that evening? Do you remember our subsequent conversations? And the trail of crumbs on the internet? Do you remember how offhand I was and how everything seemed so…okay?

IT was fun, wasn’t it?

At the time.

At the time, I wasn’t the same person writing this. I am free, now. I can tell you that I don’t need you. Not in a “you’re useless” way. But in an I-am-not-emotionally-available way.

I hurt your feelings. And I want you to hate me. In the same light, I want you to move on fast enough to be able to spread the happiness I used to hear in your giggle.

You are more than you believe. Yes, you cannot stand alone you’d say. I think you’re wrong. However, I cannot change what you believe. But if you focus on how weak and inadequate you are, nothing will ever happen. Nothing.

I thought you were the missing rib. The soul mate I would make my life with. At the time.

Today, I see the world through a prism of honesty. No, I don’t walk around being honest with people. More about being honest with myself and the things I want. The things I need and the things I am good at. The habits I must kill and what I am willing to sacrifice.

Sweetheart, I am willing to sacrifice you. And I mean this in a very selfish way. Not morbid. Selfish.

I care about myself and my well-being. And one thing I have come to accept is that when I go against everyone to make sure I am happy, somehow, everyone goes through the stage of disparaging my choices to finally coming around.

At the time, I was scared of disappointing my parents and everyone else who believed in me. Even you.

At the time.

Today there is only one thing I fear: having to regret my life on the day I die.

If losing you now is the price to pay to living a life I can be responsible for, then, sweetheart, now you know why I left.

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