Do you prefer being single or being in a relationship?

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Someone asked this on Quora and me being the self professed advocate of the lonely life, I answered.


I am a 26 year old straight Cameroonian male who has had his heart broken.

And broken hearts.

I have had short (two weeks), very short (three days), and month long ( 6 months) relationships.

I’ve dated at least 5 women. I don’t keep tabs. It was a painful time I prefer to not remember.

Some, were exhilarating.

One month ago, I made the conscious decision to be single .

In my relatively short existence, I never thought I would ever be comfortable with being out of a relationship.

With that in mind, my answer would be biased. Infact, if I were you, I would not read this given my inexperience and lack of facts to back my claims. I speak for myself, hoping you will gain something.


On Being In A Relationship

I love the feeling that spreads through my body when a woman who cares about me touches me. I love the affection, the intimacy and all the perks of being together- living together, sharing inside jokes, feeding each other and being children again without a care in the world. I am a sucker for “love”.

Or at least, that is what I thought love was.

I have come to understand that it takes more than the happy moments to build a lasting, equally rewarding relationship with anyone. Whether it is a friend, lover or parent. It takes a lot of energy and commitment. And most people who are in a happy relationship may not not seem happy to you.

That is the difference between making a choice to work on a relationship and thinking that relationships work like “magic”.

The amount of effort required to communicate, to compromise, to fight our natural selfishness is one that needs a daily practice.

I think anyone who has been in a serious relationship can tell you about the dark times and what it takes to overcome them.

That said, the reason why I am not in a relationship is this:

I became self-aware enough to accept that I was not ready to invest the amount of energy required. That at this point in my life, I would like to focus all my energy on being creative ( blogging, gaining skills, podcasting etc) and building a business around my interests.

It is sad that I took this long and hurt so many people to accept this basic truth.

But I am happy I did.


On Being Single

I love writing. Especially poetry. I love thinking too. Which means that I tend to spend a lot of time by myself. Where I come from, and from my experience, I find it hard to getalone time when I am in a relationship.

Plus, there are the messages , the phone calls, and the commitments. I suck at being in a relationship. I had just never audited myself and made the decision to lay off that part of my life.

I don’t drink alcohol ( well, maybe once in a month or so), I don’t smoke, I don’t do drugs.I don’t gamble. I am not a stud- which means all I have is my sour humor that may or may not attract females ( remember I said you shouldn’t read?)

This means a lot of my free time is spent on reading, writing and meeting people. I run a podcast which takes time to record and edit . I was only able to start this podcast when I became single. And I looove sharing my thoughts.

I get braingasms from the comment section- literally.

However, I get lonely too. Sometimes I want a hug, a kiss or…more… 🙂

But then, I believe you can’t eat your relationship and have it. I chose to stay alone for a purpose. And I am fulfilling that purpose.

We may not have the same purpose, or thought pattern. And that is fine. I made the call. You should make yours.

I get moments of weakness when I see that someone is attracted to me, or when I get attracted to another person. And that we could get together.

Then, I remember who I really am and the kind of person I become in a relationship.


So, which is better? Being single? Or being with someone?

That, my friend, will depend on you, your environment and your DNA.

But know this:

  1. Your thoughts, goals and dreams will change. I know mine have and they will.
  2. Same for people you get in a relationship with.
  3. Communication is vital to maintain a relationship.
  4. Self-awareness will lead you to make choices which correspond with your DNA. ( Yes, I totally ripped this off from Gary Vaynerchuk [1])
  5. You will usually get what you deserve. Usually.

Of course, life has a way of being itself. But if everyday , if you so choose, you get better at knowing who you are and choosing yourself and the path you want to walk, you might end-up enjoying this funny thing called life.

I wish you all the best.

Remember that the most important relationship,is the one with yourself.

Footnotes

[1] GaryVaynerchuk.com – Family 1st! but after that, Businessman- a dude that Loves the hustle, people & the @nyjets – @vaynermedia. Tasted wine for years online!

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14 comments

  1. You said said this last night and we laughed but i didnt think u had written it (considering we just met, or say semi just met lol).I love being in a relationship though its not easy.I think most people believe love is all that matters in a relationship.The truth is you could love someone but are not ready to commit to the relationship (calls, texts, gifts, dates etc).I believe honesty and negociation can help for someone who doesnt want to be single and doesnt want to commit either.The option could be coming clean about your commitment issues and laying down terms of negociation.Someone told me you dont get what you deserve(in this case a serious relationship or whatever it is u want…), you get what you negociate for.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “The option could be coming clean about your commitment issues and laying down terms of negotiation”. That is a powerful thought right there. I had not pictured it in terms of negotiation either. For me, writing about this gets me to think. I think through my posts and in the end, I find out what it was I was looking for. Usually, I don’. But brilliant comments like yours shed the light on areas I had ignored. I will do well to apply and get what I negotiate for. THANK YOU JENCEY. You’re awesome.

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  2. This is a really great piece Kamga en plus tu es Mon Frere bamiléké😏…Your post really touched me and had me think about a few things. Being in a relationship requires a lot of energy but most especially commitment and if you’re not ready, then spare yourself and the other person the stress and stay single. Learn to love yourself to be able to love someone else even more. It all starts with us. You have inspired me on this topic and I will definitely have a talk on this. You just gained a new follower😊😊…keep up with the good work

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sammy J!!! Thank you for stopping-ma soeur Bami. What a lovely comment you’ve given me to start my day with. It all stats with us. Like you said on your blog: “…same as I can inspire you, inspire me to write more.” I wish you that and more!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Very interesting thoughts my dear. About being single vs. being in a relationship, I personally believe and I think you mentioned it too that there is a right timing for everything in life. There are moment, periods, just as much as there are difficulties, happy events, etc… What is dearly important is as you said to know yourself and to know what you are ready for, at what moment.
    Other interesting thought of yours, yeah a relationship is a commitment, an engagement, rather than just sharing love. The dark moments are constant, and often are even what makes the relation stronger. Now, I believe in our environment, we put everything in those dark moments and especially what should not be accepted such as violence, lack of respect, or adultery, and women especially are summoned to stand all those situations.
    Taking the time to build yourself, and taking the time to wait for what you really want, will definitely make of you a solid partner when that time comes for you. Blessed will be the lady.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You have put it so well. Thank you. I enjoy your comments. They are very insightful and full of interesting thoughts. I wish I had passion for African Literature like you do. I will make an effort now. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I prefer to be in a relationship. One of the first things God said to man was”it is not good that man should be alone, I will make a helper for him” (somewhere in Genesis). I believe that within a relationship you need periods of solitude to get things done that are important to you, but ultimately a relationship should be growth orientated. I talk a lot about this stuff on my blog too. If we were in the same country I would say come to the singles mixer I’m arranging, but then that defeats what you whole post is about…happy being single.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for stopping by. Actually, I wish I were in your country to attend the mixer!! (Where are you by the way?) I agree with you that a growth centric relationship is important. I long to get into one. I just know that right now, especially in the environment in which I am, I cannot have the kind of relationship I deserve. I might not even be ready for her if we meet. Might. Then again, she could be just around the corner waiting for me. I have not shut off the possibility. No. I am just cognisant of my state of mind and my current life goals. It was a difficult choice- one I make every morning. But I know it will be well. I am happy being single, right now. When I will want a relationship, my writing will definitely gear towards that direction. I hope she lets me write about how awesome she will be to me.

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    1. I am glad you enjoyed it Kadmia. I must admit I am a (constant) work in progress. Self-prescribed writing therapy for unresolved issues 🙂 Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. I am grateful.

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