Marriage

Here’s what I think about a union of two souls.

Blog Title involves being single and associated emotions

From @himanivatyani's profile

I know I promised you two posts but I’d like…with your permission…to get a little selfish here to talk about…well…me. 🙂 
Also because I am lazy and still working on the other  posts.
Seriously though, I had to write this post. Yesterday evening was awful.
My original title for this post was : “I am single and it sucks”. My  friend told me I would sound like such a loser.
Maybe he was right. Maybe I sound like a loser.
Maybe I am  a loser.

 But, being single and being a loser have one thing in common:
both suck.
And in the post, I’ll explain why it sucks so much.
For me at least.

Or maybe I could discover at the end that it doesn’t and that I just want somebody to love me as much as I love her.
And that that somebody should not be my mom.
Like a best friend I can make-out with.
What beats that?
Priesthood maybe.But then again, it had never EVER crossed my mind to get into priesthood.
We’ll have this discussion another day.
I am single and it sucks.

I AM SINGLE.


Why? Entirely my fault. I complicate every conversation and I am always looking for a reason to be the smarter one. I have stringent rules( which I hardly obey) and expect everyone to. I use my brain more than my heart.
Word of advice: Don’t be an idiot. Don’t be me.
I lost the ‘idea’ of the ideal wife( yes, wife…not girlfriend) a long time ago.
 Here is what the profile of my ideal wife looked like:
A. Short in stature( to be precise…shorter than me)
B.  Fair in complexion( what is it with fair in complexion chicks? Maybe it’s my Dad’s fault…)
C. Speaks fluent English and French ( yep I am a language nerd)
D. Loves cooking( duh)
E. Loves kids and wants to have at least four( and bonus if she would ensure that the first is a girl)
F. Plays Chess.
G. Plays video games.
H. Loves books and movies.
I. Organized. Very.
J. Less lazy than I am( very important this point was)
K. Meticulous with money.
L. Other positive values.
M. More positive and ESPECIALLY unrealistic values.
N. More.
O.You get the point
P-Z. If you have not gotten the point…just…continue reading.
Yep.
I lived with this human in my head.
This image of the ‘perfect’ *scoffs* girlfriend.
Rubbish! 
Why do I keep creating humans in my head?  Maybe I take marriage too seriously.
Anyway, that is what the profile for  my ideal girlfriend  looked like.
 I still have a profile now.
Who doesn’t?
Don’t judge me! Consciously or not, if you look at the ladies or men you accost  (especially those you are dying to get romantically involved with), the character traits  become evident. For example:
1. I have hardly sustained a long relationship with a lady who spoke just French or English.
2. I love eating and am quite lazy so, I get really irritable when the hunger kicks in. I eat to live harmoniously with other humans.
This is paramount to my relationships.
Those who know me would confirm this.
3. And if a lady( or even dude) can’t sustain a conversation of more than 15 minutes with me, there is a likelihood we will not be having conversations AT ALL.
Communication =Relationships 101. Basics.
Yes,I do have a profile.
Not of the ideal woman anymore. There’s no such thing as ‘ideal’!
I think the word  was invented by a grumpy single grammar nerd who knew exactly how unfair the world was and chose to punish lots of humans after him. I am certain it was a ‘he’.
Only men get that grumpy.
Long before my crush crushed me, I had already had a change of heart concerning my principles . So, here goes nothing…
 Profile of my not-so-ideal woman:
A. Ambitious.
B. Will work honestly to achieve her goals.
C. Stubborn.
D.Likes me.
-An ambitious woman  can easily become an idea machine.
-Someone who works honestly won’t do evil or use people to achieve his or her goals.
-A stubborn person fights for her beliefs.
-Anybody who likes me deserves to be ‘liked by me’.
 Note that  I did not say ‘Loves me‘.
Now that is a complicated. It is a word that makes me grateful to be human. Just like the concept of The Holy Trinity. If you can understand those two, there’s a high probability you are not human.
You’re not supposed to understand them.
At least in my opinion.

 IT SUCKS!

I am not a slave driver. I don’t want people to work FOR me but WITH me. I believe the highest level of any human relationship is interdependence. Everyone relying on each other.
Complementarity.
Yesterday night, I returned from a long day in school and from running errands around the city.
Exhausted.
I could feel in my eye sockets the desire to have someone help take my shoes off while I laid on my back. This someone, coaxing me gently into a bath and then preparing a delicious meal for my revitalization.
And she, muttering the most awesome phrase in the world:
You’ll be alright”.
I looked at my room, the emptiness, the scattered and unwashed garments.
It sucked.Truly did.
I was hungry and tired. I stepped out, bought some food by the roadside. Ate a little and started writing. Too exhausted to finish, I slept without even my daily reading regiment.
I slept alone, in my cold but comfortable mood. Sent a couple of text messages and introspected a little.
I have not always been this way.
I won’t die of loneliness-that I’m certain.
My mother raised me well, I can cook and take care of myself.
But, some days, I just wish I had someone to look after me.
Is that so much to ask?
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“I have NEVER thought of getting married to a Bamileke!”

Her argument was simple: not being a bamileke herself, the man’s family will always pressure him to get married to a Bamileke woman AND he would either end up sending her away to get a Bamileke bride or get a second wife, “sometimes …third…”she mouthed disgustfully.
I had nothing concrete to debunk her statement. When I look at my own family, all the women(3) on my mother’s side got married to the men from ONE village- Bafang and both their village (Badjoun) and their husbands’ fall under the Bamileke tribe. Maybe someone needs to do research on this hyphothesis if it has not yet been done.
Marriage is a very important part of the lives of those who CHOSE to get married. You can’t just marry anyone. However, I wonder if my peers (youths) actually do give a thought on this.
My friend is from the Northwest Region of the country and particularly from Mankon( Check tribe). We were discussing on the topic of marriage before she made that statement and launched her argument. My comeback was that: this doesn’t work in all instances and that in my home, for example, my parents have very simple demands as concerns the person I will marry.
For my mom it’s not very complicated. Her argument is not racist but rather one of a clash of culture. To her, if I get married to a European, American or Asian or ‘White’, if a fight comes-up, she could up and away with the kids leaving me alone ( as if I too can’t run away with the kids…duh). “Also”, she adds, “the kids will be far away!” I know she wants to be a grandmother…I understand she would want to have her grandchildren around her. So simply: “ Don’t get married to white”.
My Dad’s the best. One day I asked:
“Dad…what kind of a person would you like me to marry?”
He was very happy. It was as though he had been waiting for this day to give me the marriage version of ‘the talk’. He put down the remote, looked into my eyes like never before, beckoned me to come closer then he asked in his characteristic friendly baritone:
“Will I be in YOUR house with you? Will I raise YOUR kids? Will I live with YOUR wife? My son, it’s your life. Make the choice but know the consequences. If you are happy, I’m happy.”
That was it. He summed it all. That is the answer I gave my friend. Is it the family that lives with the man or the wife? Why would they decide to stay within the tribe or whatever?
Let’s even look at evolution: does the tribe not stand a better chance of surviving if the gene pool is increased? What if you marry you great-grandfather nephew’s daughter’s uncle’s grandchild? Is that not incest? (By the way I just made that family tree up…I have no idea if it is.)
The point is: marriage is not a joke. Young people should think about it.
When she asked me:
“Ok. So… how do you know the kind of person you would like to marry?”
I said I would like to marry someone I’d love to talk to and who would love to talk to me. I believe communication is the key and that when we can communicate, there is no trouble we won’t surmount…for there is ALWAYS trouble in a marriage. I have been at the front seat of THAT kind of trouble.
“What if after two years you don’t feel like talking to the person anymore?”
I was like: “Does it mean you would be getting a divorce every two years?!”
I have no idea what I would do if that happens to me. It is clear from Hollywood that marriages can last for a week or a year …or two sometimes depending on the pre-nuptial agreement signed. Also, people have chosen the wrong persons and after a divorce or two (or more) met the right person.
My mentor, http://www.jamesaltucher.com , is clearly extremely happy with his second wife, Claudia Altucher.My observation then is that: marriage is neither an exact science nor exact religion either because once humans are involved…nothing makes sense.
I think we should think about marriage BEFORE we get into it. We should date prospective WIVES and not just kill time with ‘chicks’, ‘Ngas’ or ‘Maa’ or (insert condescending nominal term chosen to describe female counterparts in a love relationship). The ladies are not exempted either. Some nice guys (like yours truly,) have been victims of ladies without prospects!!
Like in the http://www.TED.com video by MEG JAY, we prepare our married lives now.
I used to have a pretty long list of criteria my future wife would have. I used to seek for these qualities in girlfriends and would often feel silently disappointed when I didn’t find a few. I call that list “The List”. I had about 20 or so items on the list. Now I have just one. Now you know what my next post will be on…
How about you? What is your take on marriage and the selection of a spouse…for life?