Addiction

“Why do you need people to tell you what you did was cool?”

Two days ago, I didn’t feel so well . I slept late, got up later and I didn’t go to school. I was tired. Tired of many things and I just needed to take a break from life. I know I can’t escape the routine but …sometimes I try.
That’s how stubborn I am.
I had a very interesting conversation with my brother. We’ve started talking to each other again (we always find a way around…we love each other too much :D) and I was trying to explain to him how much I needed people to tell me what I did was great. In fact, I was blatantly laying down to him how much I needed approval.
I sometimes go on air on the University Teaching Radio Station (CHARIOT FM 93.5) and I have been pleading with him to listen and tell me how I did.
He has never listened.
He is cool. Seriously. It’s as though nothing ever fazes him. He hardly talks and always has witty comebacks. We have many things in common but one thing I know for a fact he lacks (that I know I HAVE IN EXCESS) is the need for approval!
Then he asked: “Why do you need people to tell you what you did was cool?”
I had nothing to say.
That is a perfect question-the ultimate question.
I started babbling a list of reasons as to how it feels good for people to say: “Oh! That editorial was so cool!” or “I wish I could be like you.” or maybe a cute lady would walk up to me and say something like: “Hey…are you Kamga? I heard you the other day on the radio…I love you…would you marry me?!!”
(Yeah…right…)
Why do I need approval? He got me thinking. It made me ashamed I’ll admit.
Does it mean all I do is for OTHER persons? Does it mean I work so hard at being better just so OTHER people will say :“You did a great job?!”
WHERE IS MY SELF WORTH!!?
He is smart …my brother…and he has brought a change in me.
It might be in you too. I mean… why do you work so hard? What drives you? Are you internally motivated or (like me) externally dependent of people’s opinions?
External motivation is good up till when it isn’t. Everyone loves to feel like he/she is doing something worthy of praise .It’s pleasurable for humans to actually admit another human did better …but that should not be an end.
It should be a means—to gauge not a goal per se!
Internal motivation is the key; whatever you do-if you chose to love someone, if you choose to study, to work on a project, to have a child(although that is a whole book on its own) ,to go to school, to work hard ,to help someone ,WHATEVER do it because YOU want to not because your friends or family or neighbors or OTHERS will be proud of you. Their approval should be SECONDARY.
It’s great if they do approve but is should not be the goal.
I’m tired of seeking approval. It’s a nasty habit. It drains me. It’s probably what got me this tired.
I’m going to detox.

Advertisements

I’m an addict.

I felt I was becoming a slave to this wireless master called the internet.

I decided to do what I know how to do best.

I quit.

For a few days . I was supposed to set a limit- a  goal-an objective.

I didn’t.

But I stuck to one part – for the next 48 hours , I didn’t tweet, or RT or post on Facebook.

I could reply mails.

Not that I receive many…with everyone being pissed at me…you will find out eventually, ‘don’t you worry child’  😉 .

I ,thus, posteth the tweet to end all tweets:

“ I’ll be disconnecting from the internet for a few days. Starting to feel radioactive. Il me faut du repos. See you dans quelque jours 😉 #fb”

I posted similar status updates on my Whatsapp , BBM and Viber accounts.

Secretly…I had hoped someone would miss me.

I thought someone would say:

“Oh! NOooooo! OMG! I WILL SO BLOODY MISS YOU! I HOPE YOU ARE OK?! Why are you leaving?? Can I help you sweetheart?!”

Or

“*Crying* *snivels violently* why? Please tell me? I’m here for you!”

No one did.

No one cared.

No one cares.

I do.

I needed the break.

May be it’s me being defensive.

 I know I needed that rest-whether people noticed or not.

I took the break and did something else…something smarter.

Something I never really get to do.

I watched the others.

I read my TL.

I read bios.

I followed conversations.

I fought against the urge to tweet.

For an hour or two had withdrawal.

Symptom: I started thinking in hashtags.

I would talk to my brother @AndersonTchassa and instead of calling his name…*whispering*… I would call his handle (like I did above).

I would talk to my mom:

“Sup? Is there anything to eat?” and I would  verbally add “Hash tag breakfast?” 

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Social media has its perks.

True.

Interaction, conversations, marketing etc.

But it can be VERY addictive.

I think I am addicted.

I don’t think.

I am addicted.

I struggled to get off a few days ago.

I failed.

I’ll try again later.

Not today.

I’m going back.

See you there.

@huguesleandre

🙂