Confusion

What if I were a girl?

I have had a headache now for three days. I don’t want to take medication. First of all because I don’t trust anything that gets into my system (except food) and second, I think I deserve the pain.

Every once in a while at least.

I have difficulties sleeping too. I start reading books and I can’t stop. I read till 3a.m. I always considered myself a book nerd. Now I am certain I wasn’t.

I AM a book nerd.

 

  Black Holes and Confusions

This post is not about my headache or insomnia or reading. Like every other post I have written from my heart, is it is about a certain kind of confusion.

Who knows…maybe it is the confusion that has clotted an artery in my brain and is giving me this pain.

Or maybe I just need to sleep. Meh.

Anyway, what if I were a girl? I am not the typical male. No, I wasn’t born with both sexual organs. And no, I am not attracted to boys. Let’s leave anatomy and homophobia for another time.

I am not the ‘alpha’ male. I am not particularly handsome and I don’t have the required ‘charisma’ to hide it.

    The Charisma-ed Knight

A lady once ended our two week relationship because (true story) :  She: “You have no…what is the word…’charisma’…yes. You have no charisma”.

Me:“…”

She: I don’t think this can work out.  Then she left.

Me: “What the fuck is ‘Charisma‘”?

She didn’t reply. She had left the room and I had been so confused I didn’t see her leave. Story of my life.

Anyway, what if I were a girl? Not being the typical male…little or ziltch charisma…horrible build…astigmatic and short-sighted( you need to see me without my glasses, you’d weep for my mom.  Oh…and for the record, ‘The Charisma Story’ took place in 2012. And yes, I have moved on but no, I have not completely been over it. Seriously, what the…is Charisma?

To Break or Not to break?

If I were a girl would I break up in that way? I don’t know. I mean…we all have our goals and aspirations, our dreams etc. Maybe she needed King Charisma and I was just Dude Typical. I was hurt.

Yep. I would probably have said the same thing if I wanted to make a point. I admire her focus. She knew what she wanted. I hope she’s found it.

If I were a girl, would I sleep better? I don’t know. There is a period of the month ( or so I have heard) when human biology provides( for a select female quota of the human race) a surmountable amount of pain and non-deadly liquid exudes. That is as far as my euphemism can go. Maybe I would feel pain and not sleep well.                                 But, we both know I need to sleep early. So, forget that.

   A Question of Stereotype?

If I were a girl, I would have to wear make-up and gossip and talk about boys…and….                                                                                                        HA! See your face! You were already thinking:                                         “This dude is just another ‘dude’…thinking every girl does make-up and talks about boys…

Well, guess what? You’re right. I think a majority of ladies wear make-up. That is why the ones who don’t stand out.  Oh…I know guys who wear make-up too (Yes…I was shocked when I found) .

I also know boys who talk about boys (and no, they are not attracted to them. Think of t politicians; I want to believe Mr Romney talked a lot about Mr. Obama in ’08’). My lady in ‘ The Charisma Story’ did not wear make-up. Not that I remember clearly. But she was pretty. Still is.

If I were a lady…would I wear make-up? I don’t know. That would depend on many factors. I am sure one of them would be what I’d eat for lunch. I know it doesn’t make sense.

 

My Unadulterated Love For Food

I don’t know how to cook like my mom does. I wish I could. I love her food. If I were a girl, would I be able to?                                                                 Yes.                                                                                                                                         My younger sister is an excellent cook. I don’t think that is fair.  That , now, is the age old African Stereotype: the woman stays in the kitchen and the man in the parlor reading a newspaper.

I wonder what the ‘typical man’ read before the Newspapers….parchments?                                                                                        Who cares?

I would be an awesome cook if I were a woman. I would relish my mother’s food and I would probably not lose all the weight I am losing now because of poor feeding.  Fact.

I still relish my mother’s food. Fact.

 

Purpose And Other Truths

Last, confusio! (yeah…I just had to pull the Harry Potter card):

If I were a woman, would I write this post?                                                            I don’t know.                                                                                                                          I write to figure things out. I write to think. When I start writing, it is because I have a problem I need to address. I am a coward. So I run around and the problem is stuck at my heels.

Writing makes me stop and turn around.

I will never be a woman. I will never bear a child and I will never know what it is like to break up with a dude because he ‘has no charisma’. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. Just like I don’t know where I will be in a few months. I don’t know many things.

Here’s the fun part: It doesn’t matter!

Only through imagination can we live other lives. Through books and movies (and food).

I love those. I love travelling in my mind. I sometimes laugh alone. It doesn’t matter whether you are a man or woman, you’re alive.

You will have problems and you will find solutions. Maybe not. But you’re alive. That is all that matters.

So far as you’re alive, you can either sit on your ass like me and pretend to solve a problem by writing about it or get out there and live.

I need to sleep. Maybe I will find out what ‘charisma’ is in my dreams.

 

P.S: I love this song. I think the best age for rock music was 80s. Enjoy.

Advertisements

Have Faith.

What’s on my mind?
Confusion.
The good type. When it does pop up , I have to run away lest I start spilling my venom all over the place. Of course you must know by now it happens often. Others call it ‘depression’ some ‘mania’ but I choose a more friendly word.
Why?
Picture someone telling you:
” You are confused” rather than
a) You are mad(angry) or
b) You are stupid
c) You are ( anything that describes an inconsistent AND volatile sense of direction in all forms of the word ‘direction’ i.e mental ,verbal,nutritional, physical with the most common form being emotional( I don’t know why…oh wait- man is an emotional being.)
” You are confused”.
When I hear this, I know I am in a bad place. For about two seconds I wish I were an ostrich so I would have an evolutionary reason as to why I can’t fly.
But again,the next thing that comes to my mind is the fact that whoever is telling me this is going to help me out. How do I know that?
Actually, I don’t. I just have a lot of faith.
When I tell myself I am confused , I automagically start seeking ways to remedy the situation. I do the smartest thing first.
I run.
To my notes,books,dictionary,bible whatever will give me a ‘sense of presence’.
It is there RIGHT THEN. I can SEE it, I can FEEL it.
For normal humans,it’s a friend, a father, a sister, a brother.
You should know by now I’m not human.

But we all need someone,something to guide us back from Confusion Avenue.
It’s the end of the year. The last day actually. I still don’t believe in End-of- Year Resolutions but I believe in fighting world confusion or *insert what suits your case*.
We need faith.
*70% of the time we don’t know whether we will see the next day or the next hour!
What proves you will survive 2013?
Nothing.
Nothing but faith.
Faith in whatever supreme being rules our existence.
When I’m confused, I know that the confusion is my physical body reminding me he( I prefer thinking he is a man) is not certain to make it. He reminds me I’m weak and doubtful and mere human.
I run to my books to search for answers.
I see how faithless I’ve become.
I recollect myself.
Then I tell my body-” You have no idea how much He loves me”.
How do I know?
I don’t.
I just caught my faith back.
Happy New Year Folks.
You must believe in something. Believe and have faith.
You will fall.
True. But it’s at the bottom of the the pit that your faith will pull you up again and again and again….and…
*Ok you caught me ( or maybe you didn’t) it’s 100% of the time