Heartbreak

Broken

Old respite, I bid thee farewell.
I’m gone. To a place I do not know well.

I broke my branch before I flew.
I’m not going back to the place we knew.

My old friend, I bid thee farewell.
Do not think my actions aren’t swell.

Caution :you may not recognize me.
I’m broken. In pain. And I bleed.

A pain I’ll need.

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I’ve lost you, and it feels right.

The blaze is gone.
Wet flames, all that is left. Mud ash.
Your touch is foreign.
I can see it in your eyes- I failed you.

We used to chat, on Facebook, for so long.
Stale talk, all that is left. Burnt stash.
Our embrace now means nothing.
You know I see it too. It’s no more “we” but “you”.

I know it’s my fault. I’ve known all along.
You tried, with all you had. Never brash.
I could do better.
They don’t speak. But they sense it too.

This is the longest bond I have forged.
Or did I? What’s left? Pictures and emotional mash.
I don’t deserve you.
They knew this day was coming. I did too.

For a long time, I have been alone.
You showed a page I’d never read.
Pores through which I’d never bled.
With you, for an eternal second, I was at home.

I know what would happen.
Its inevitability is almost hilarious.
It has happened before. I have been here before.
Only, you have too. But not with me.

Hence, we will thread new territory.
One I am all too familiar with.
We had more than our own moments of intimate revelry.
We will bleed. I know I would. I will need stiches.

I wish we could hug over a cup’a coffee and shake hands.
I wish in a few years, we would laugh over the past months.
We would think of how much we grew and how much we out grew each other.
Lies. Falsehood. Sky bound castles.

I have grown. I see this coming and I feel nothing.
No pain. I bleed, without pain. Without strain.
I knew this would happen.
The first time you smiled, I knew this would happen.

So, when I say “It’s my fault, not yours”, I am not being flattering.
It is the truth. I don’t know how to do “this”.
Actually, I do. I just don’t want to.
And the mashed stashed of thoughts I need to scream is because of this.

You are a good person. You have shown me love.
You have shown me care. You have shown me tenderness.
You showed me reason. And I thank you, for showing me one thing:
Family.

I have grown. And I know I am not cut for this.
I have accepted, finally, who I am. And who I want to be.
Who I must be. Who I need to be.
What and who I am ready to sacrifice.

Love is a choice I make every day.
Love is a concept I learn every day.
Love is a feeling you articulated.
Love, is what I saw in you.

What I saw. But, no more.
Goodbye, my pillar. My anchor.
I sail to my lake. One I know all too well.
One in which I built the island on which I thrive.

I hope you feel pain. I hope you miss me.
I want to have meant something to you.
I want to have meant something.
I want to.

I hope you hate me. I hope you forget me.
I hope you ignore my calls. I hope you don’t reply my messages.
I hope you unfriend me. I hope you block me.
I hope you blacklist me.

I won’t forget you. My mind is my curse.
The same mind that doesn’t comprehend love.
The same that would look back at this moment in the future and mock raucously.
The same that needs you to hate me now.

Slap me. Plot against me.
Tell everyone how truly heartless I am.
Tell them the truth.
They don’t deserve to know. But you deserve to tell.

I am not a good person.
I don’t deserve your forgiveness.
So, don’t forgive me.
But, by all means, don’t ever think you could have done anything differently.

Because I knew how this would end.
I knew it all along. For months I fought.
And now, I’ve lost.
And it feels right.

Goodbye, my pillar.

Another Awkward Goodbye

The last time we met…you told me to be strong. You held me for so long, I wondered: ” Sweetheart, what’s wrong?”
The last time we met, you sat quiet for a while, didn’t say anything vile, nor kiss me like you used to-wild.
You didn’t look into my eyes.

She whispered, face blank like wild tiles.

Today, I leave you. My heart is gone. My tears beneath you. My fire is dead and my mission is complete. I got you and there is nothing to compete.

I don’t understand. Isn’t that the point of it all?
Isn’t that the value of a bond? The essence of our song? The melody of my memories?
Where is this coming from?

It’s not you, it’s me. I know. And I should have left without you ever noticing. I should have let you bleed alone in the weight of your tears and the hush of your pain.
I should have left…but for one thing….

What one thing? Have you changed your mind? Have you come to your senses? Do we break down the fences and merge our defenses? Like the partners we’ve been for these years months, like the glitter in the eye of the moon. My glitter…my moon, what is this one thing?

I need a …ride?

My Wrenching Story of The Awful Truth or Dare (or How My Crush Crushed Me).

I regret the day I took part in the truth or dare.
If only I had known the feeling there would bring such despair.
Therein was a lass I digged, one I truly eyed.
The sort of person who stirred unspoken joy whenever she came in sight,
With her dark brown skin and gorgeous smile,
the picture of our wedding fit in my mind like multiple square tiles.
Whence me turn came I chose truth.
I approved not of the whole scheme but I condoned…not wanting to appear brute.
A question was asked and yours truly answered:
I left no doubt as to that I love feeling pampered.
Milady’s turn approached and I expected from her a certain…grace.
Little did I know in a few minutes I would be pulling my hair in disgrace.
” Kiss Mr. X for 5 minutes!”,was the order.
I ran short of breath as coursed through me a cold shudder.
With a synthetic carefree glance I prayed she’d say ” NO!”.
Boy…little did I know…
She hugged him closely as I watched furiously,
Amidst the drunked jeers they kept at it religiously.
Two minutes became ten.
At that point, to myself ,I could no longer pretend-
The crush,the respect I had, had flown away.
The soul I had thought pure had already been strayed.
The word that fit: betrayed.