Hope

The Light

The light at the end.

There is a tunnel. The proverbial tunnel.
Not Alice’s rabbit hole.
Not Hawking’s black hole.

Nor Nolan’s worm hole.

A tunnel. A path. A task. A journey.

There’s work to be done. Odysseys to be completed.

At any time t, the tunnel could fall. It often does.
Either it falls or you fall.

You fall, you get up. You have a task. Ready.
You fall , you get up. You can’t wait. Set.
You fall. You get up. You will finish. Go.

The light at the end is in the mind. You can’t see it.
It’s all dark and wet. Full of speeches and mockery.

Cover your eyes. Have faith. Walk proud. Beam.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel

Your light. My light.

The Light.

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A Thousand Expectations

I don’t want to settle. For less is “not my portion”. My portion of love I deserve. My portion of love I seek.

I don’t want to settle. To pretend I have no expectations. You should expect much from me. From me you deserve more.

I don’t wish to settle. I know what a non-50/50 feels like. It feels like an undeserved plate of shit. My place of peace is full of sheets, stained loved-drugged sheets. And that, is not what I seek.

I am not going to settle. It might take me years. It could take my life. It should be hard. It will be.

I can’t settle. My gut tells me I need better. My eyes say I have what I need. My friends tell me to kill you, dear expectations.

Looking back, I’ve had this coming. I am a lone wolf. By nature, reinforced by nurture. Nurtured by logic and experience. By lack and mistrust.

Live by day, hope by night. Time will flow. Expectations or not. After all, meaningless is my might.

Only He knows.

Boh, You’ll be fine

[ I wrote this for you. But I thought of all the others like us who feel this way sometimes. I hope you don’t mind that I posted it here.
I know you you won’t mind :)]

Life’s short boh.
I’m sure you’ve lost more than one person you really cared about.
Someone you’ll never see again.
You have an obligation to make that love worth it.
You have a duty, as the one left, to live a happy life.
A joyful life. A meaningful life.

You are going to have troubles. Shit storms. Hate.
You’re going to feel fucked.
A lot of the time, you’ll wonder whether this life is worth the trouble.

“All di suffer na for wheti sef”?

Those are the times when you need to forget about the who- you.
Forget about the when- now.
About the what-life.
And think about the why-the why.

Why are you here? Why were you born? Why are you alive?

To suffer? To hate?
To love? To create?
To be angry? To stay sad?
To destroy? To build?
To support? To enable?
Why did He let you see today?

Why aren’t you dead?

In you darkest moments, when you’ve disappointed everyone. When your eyes swell with sorrow. When your head bows in shame. When your alarm rings. When you get the rejection email. When she says no. When he cheats.

When you think to yourself: Lord, why is this happening to me?
The answer is in the question.
It is happening because it IS happening.

Because.

Your existence is bigger than you can comprehend.
The sacrifice for your salvation is larger than your puny mind can mingle with.
You are bigger than you think.
Don’t let the petty roadblocks of this stream called “life” derail you my friend.

Get up. Smile. See how far you’ve come.

If you could do anything in the world? What would it be?
Guess what? Your existence is a miracle. The air you breathe is another chance. Your heartbeat is hope for a better future.

Every pain is a reminder of the joy of peace.
Every tear is a collection of the price of freedom from all kinds of slavery.
Boh, you don’t have time to regret.
There’s this gift the Lord sent to us all. I’d like to have piece of it too.
It’s the gift of “you”.
Thank you for being you.
Go. Be. Live.

I love you boh. You’re a gift. I’m here.

The Light In The Dark

The light in the dark,
The fight in the heart,
The will to life,
The zeal to thrive.

Sometimes, it goes.
In your heart…you know.
That desire to succeed,
It may pull down, down to your heels.

It’s okay to be scared.
to feel dazed by the stares
Of unknowns, less knowns,
Of uncertainties and inadequacies.

Life may suck.
It’s okay to pass the buck.
Not too often though,
because that life may pass you so.

Sit up.
Find a way to lift up.
Your head, your pride and your light,
Stand up and rise to the fight.

We need you.
You need to.
It’s okay to be scared once in a while.
What’s NOT okay is to stay too long in the wild.

P.S.: Starting my professional internship tomorrow. Man…life just has a way of sucker punching you with new experiences doesn’t it?

“I love him”, you say

“I love him”, you say.

In another life, I could be your lover.
In another place, it would be my lips you’d taste.

You seem happy. I know you’re not.
He seems faithful. You know he’s not.But you can’t leave him. “I love him” you say.More than twice, he cheated. More than thrice he lied.
More than once you caught him, more than twice you cried.

“I love him”, you say.

Is it him? Or is it ‘love’ you love?

On losing

I don’t like losing.
I hate the feeling.
It starts like a slow, murky itch.
Coursing from my gut, impairing my speech.
I babble a little. Move though I sit.
Words flake. No pitch. Thank heavens for my seat.

I don’t like losing.
I remember the feeling.
The cold dart, sticky throat.
Eyes peered, like daggers both.
The regret of time, the loss of mine.
Seconds took hours. Heaven’s fine.

I don’t like loosing.
Especially the feeling,
when she looks and says: “Let’s just be friends”.
Yeah, right, let’s play pretend.
She smiles, successful.
I stand, perplexed. “Is she remotely remorseful?”

I don’t like losing.
I guard my feelings.
Maybe that’s why I smile so easily.
It eases the lies and tricks everyone lightly.
To think I’m gay,
That I am not a bird of prey.

I don’t like losing.
I sweat the feeling.
Defeat makes me interrogate myself.
My choices, my dreams and all on my shelf.
The chances I lost and how far I have come,
Using the bottom to the stronger I have become.

Depression is real.

(c) Flickr User: surrealisticsoother

(c) Flickr User: surrealisticsoother

This will be my shortest post so far.

For the past 48 hours, I’ve been depressed. I wrote a pretty sad rant on my computer-the kind you write and then hope no one reads. I haven’t reread it yet. It’s really depressing.

4 hours after the rant and I am at the radio presenting a health programme with honest enthusiasm.
How was I able to switch so fast?
I monitored the steps. This, unfortunately, is not the post where you find out about those steps. It’s the next.
I believe my upcoming post will help many who like me ( or even worse) sometimes feel this sense of helplessness, sadness and utter hopelessness. I once wrote on  how to solve it and  I thought I had conquered it.

I felt it again two days ago. And it sucked. Depression is real.

So is the path out of it.