Single

Blog Title involves being single and associated emotions

From @himanivatyani's profile

I know I promised you two posts but I’d like…with your permission…to get a little selfish here to talk about…well…me. 🙂 
Also because I am lazy and still working on the other  posts.
Seriously though, I had to write this post. Yesterday evening was awful.
My original title for this post was : “I am single and it sucks”. My  friend told me I would sound like such a loser.
Maybe he was right. Maybe I sound like a loser.
Maybe I am  a loser.

 But, being single and being a loser have one thing in common:
both suck.
And in the post, I’ll explain why it sucks so much.
For me at least.

Or maybe I could discover at the end that it doesn’t and that I just want somebody to love me as much as I love her.
And that that somebody should not be my mom.
Like a best friend I can make-out with.
What beats that?
Priesthood maybe.But then again, it had never EVER crossed my mind to get into priesthood.
We’ll have this discussion another day.
I am single and it sucks.

I AM SINGLE.


Why? Entirely my fault. I complicate every conversation and I am always looking for a reason to be the smarter one. I have stringent rules( which I hardly obey) and expect everyone to. I use my brain more than my heart.
Word of advice: Don’t be an idiot. Don’t be me.
I lost the ‘idea’ of the ideal wife( yes, wife…not girlfriend) a long time ago.
 Here is what the profile of my ideal wife looked like:
A. Short in stature( to be precise…shorter than me)
B.  Fair in complexion( what is it with fair in complexion chicks? Maybe it’s my Dad’s fault…)
C. Speaks fluent English and French ( yep I am a language nerd)
D. Loves cooking( duh)
E. Loves kids and wants to have at least four( and bonus if she would ensure that the first is a girl)
F. Plays Chess.
G. Plays video games.
H. Loves books and movies.
I. Organized. Very.
J. Less lazy than I am( very important this point was)
K. Meticulous with money.
L. Other positive values.
M. More positive and ESPECIALLY unrealistic values.
N. More.
O.You get the point
P-Z. If you have not gotten the point…just…continue reading.
Yep.
I lived with this human in my head.
This image of the ‘perfect’ *scoffs* girlfriend.
Rubbish! 
Why do I keep creating humans in my head?  Maybe I take marriage too seriously.
Anyway, that is what the profile for  my ideal girlfriend  looked like.
 I still have a profile now.
Who doesn’t?
Don’t judge me! Consciously or not, if you look at the ladies or men you accost  (especially those you are dying to get romantically involved with), the character traits  become evident. For example:
1. I have hardly sustained a long relationship with a lady who spoke just French or English.
2. I love eating and am quite lazy so, I get really irritable when the hunger kicks in. I eat to live harmoniously with other humans.
This is paramount to my relationships.
Those who know me would confirm this.
3. And if a lady( or even dude) can’t sustain a conversation of more than 15 minutes with me, there is a likelihood we will not be having conversations AT ALL.
Communication =Relationships 101. Basics.
Yes,I do have a profile.
Not of the ideal woman anymore. There’s no such thing as ‘ideal’!
I think the word  was invented by a grumpy single grammar nerd who knew exactly how unfair the world was and chose to punish lots of humans after him. I am certain it was a ‘he’.
Only men get that grumpy.
Long before my crush crushed me, I had already had a change of heart concerning my principles . So, here goes nothing…
 Profile of my not-so-ideal woman:
A. Ambitious.
B. Will work honestly to achieve her goals.
C. Stubborn.
D.Likes me.
-An ambitious woman  can easily become an idea machine.
-Someone who works honestly won’t do evil or use people to achieve his or her goals.
-A stubborn person fights for her beliefs.
-Anybody who likes me deserves to be ‘liked by me’.
 Note that  I did not say ‘Loves me‘.
Now that is a complicated. It is a word that makes me grateful to be human. Just like the concept of The Holy Trinity. If you can understand those two, there’s a high probability you are not human.
You’re not supposed to understand them.
At least in my opinion.

 IT SUCKS!

I am not a slave driver. I don’t want people to work FOR me but WITH me. I believe the highest level of any human relationship is interdependence. Everyone relying on each other.
Complementarity.
Yesterday night, I returned from a long day in school and from running errands around the city.
Exhausted.
I could feel in my eye sockets the desire to have someone help take my shoes off while I laid on my back. This someone, coaxing me gently into a bath and then preparing a delicious meal for my revitalization.
And she, muttering the most awesome phrase in the world:
You’ll be alright”.
I looked at my room, the emptiness, the scattered and unwashed garments.
It sucked.Truly did.
I was hungry and tired. I stepped out, bought some food by the roadside. Ate a little and started writing. Too exhausted to finish, I slept without even my daily reading regiment.
I slept alone, in my cold but comfortable mood. Sent a couple of text messages and introspected a little.
I have not always been this way.
I won’t die of loneliness-that I’m certain.
My mother raised me well, I can cook and take care of myself.
But, some days, I just wish I had someone to look after me.
Is that so much to ask?
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Is it me or is being single a vocation?

To be someone’s best friend requires a minimum investment of time. More than that, though, it takes emotional energy. Caring about someone deeply is exhausting”. – Malcom Gladwell
The Tipping Point.

It was not so much what she was saying but rather how indifferent I was. I was barely paying attention. I knew I had gotten her to this point and that this particular course of action was inevitable.
I didn’t care .
It was late in the evening and dark.She could not see my smile.
I could have been a passer-by listening to the rant of how much I never called or how busy I always seemed to be or how much stress I had put her through and that the best thing was for me to take a break and not even have someone like her in my life.
“I don’t think you should have a girlfriend. You are not ready.”
I laughed. Literally, I could not hold it anymore. She was smiling as I bent over to digest the statement in my high pitch hilarious laughter. After dumping me, she was actually advising me! How cute!
She then went on to tell me how rude it had been for me to not call her at least once a day. She said she did not need me to see her every day but that at least I could have called or message or something (I noticed she was talking in the past tense, clearly, she was past me).
At this point I almost got worried. I even thought she could have broken through my shield. That maybe after all these years, a lady had finally gotten to my conscience and I was now ready to fall in love (whatever that means).
I just stared. I think I dozed-off a little.
I was not being intentionally impolite. On the contrary, from all intellectual capacity, SHE had figured out the kind of person I was and from all the vibe in our short (2 months) relationship, she had come to the RATIONAL conclusion that she could not bear my bursts of temporal solitude and non-connectivity .
Throughout our relationship, I had looked at every other lady as a sister (seriously) and I had contemplated getting married (vaguely).
Yet another break-up.
Here is the sad part…I am not sad. I am pleased it happened and I get to reconsider my feelings on a host of issues.
One pertinent on is : Love. What is it? And what does it feel like?
I have a family that loves me. Now ,, I fathom. My parents ought to love me. It’s obvious for me because from all indications, they get extremely upset when my well-being is jeopardized. My sisters look up to me and value my judgement. That could, together with other traits, be quantified as love. I fight with my brother everyday but we always end-up calling ‘ unspoken, temporary truces’ now THAT is not love, it’s more than love, it’s a bond forged in blood(figurative, I repeat FIGURATIVE blood), disagreement, fights and battles of opinions. (Thank God it never gets physical…he could totally kick my b*)
The problem I face is with female friends who end up more or less becoming part of my ‘family’. The people I care about, on whom I invest emotional energy, whom I trust ( oh…I do have trust issues too) and who end up giving me the scenario above.
I think I have love issues and I can’t figure out what it all means.
I tend to over-think.
I enjoy people’s personalities over their physical attributes and I am in search of: The beautiful mind. I get bored with dumb people (truly no offense intended …I am very dumb in many fields…trust me…I sometimes wonder how I got through high school math).
I make more intellectual connections than emotional ones. I was chatting with a classmate recently. She had once said she could never go out with me. When I asked her why, she said I was not her type. I then went on further to ask what her type was (uh oh) and then she said:
“I like physically appealing guys”.
BOOOOooooommmm.
It took me all I had to not cry. So, as you can figure, I can’t make physical connections either( Do those even exist?)
Sometimes ,I think I am too smart for my own good. I find it hard to communicate properly my feelings and this is one of the major reasons why I feel I should be a writer. My journalism studies should aid me with this. But then again, I have learned more through my personal studying and experience in order to write than at the department.
I am a walking cry for help and for a while now, I have realized no one seems to listen. Or rather no one CAN listen because I am not particularly clear.
Maybe I don’t even want to be succinct…maybe some cold part of me enjoys the solitude.
Writing the previous sentence feels wrong…I know I don’t want to be alone. I just have to figure out how to be a better person. I know help is on the way and that if I don’t Choose Myself like James Altucher says…well…no one will.
Charity truly begins at home now doesn’t it?
If I want to have friends, I better start being a friend.
Any tips on how to be a better person?

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