Sorrow

Boh, You’ll be fine

[ I wrote this for you. But I thought of all the others like us who feel this way sometimes. I hope you don’t mind that I posted it here.
I know you you won’t mind :)]

Life’s short boh.
I’m sure you’ve lost more than one person you really cared about.
Someone you’ll never see again.
You have an obligation to make that love worth it.
You have a duty, as the one left, to live a happy life.
A joyful life. A meaningful life.

You are going to have troubles. Shit storms. Hate.
You’re going to feel fucked.
A lot of the time, you’ll wonder whether this life is worth the trouble.

“All di suffer na for wheti sef”?

Those are the times when you need to forget about the who- you.
Forget about the when- now.
About the what-life.
And think about the why-the why.

Why are you here? Why were you born? Why are you alive?

To suffer? To hate?
To love? To create?
To be angry? To stay sad?
To destroy? To build?
To support? To enable?
Why did He let you see today?

Why aren’t you dead?

In you darkest moments, when you’ve disappointed everyone. When your eyes swell with sorrow. When your head bows in shame. When your alarm rings. When you get the rejection email. When she says no. When he cheats.

When you think to yourself: Lord, why is this happening to me?
The answer is in the question.
It is happening because it IS happening.

Because.

Your existence is bigger than you can comprehend.
The sacrifice for your salvation is larger than your puny mind can mingle with.
You are bigger than you think.
Don’t let the petty roadblocks of this stream called “life” derail you my friend.

Get up. Smile. See how far you’ve come.

If you could do anything in the world? What would it be?
Guess what? Your existence is a miracle. The air you breathe is another chance. Your heartbeat is hope for a better future.

Every pain is a reminder of the joy of peace.
Every tear is a collection of the price of freedom from all kinds of slavery.
Boh, you don’t have time to regret.
There’s this gift the Lord sent to us all. I’d like to have piece of it too.
It’s the gift of “you”.
Thank you for being you.
Go. Be. Live.

I love you boh. You’re a gift. I’m here.

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“This is not happening. This can not be” ( Loss Part 1)

I used to say I  don’t know how it feels to lose someone close. As I write this, i still don’t know exactly. Maybe I never will. But, what i can tell you is that I have a feeling very close that.

Stop me if my description is inaccurate: there’s a hot sensation around your face and all hunger fades away. You feel no need;neither to eat ,go to the bathroom , or talk, It is fully felt especially when you are alone. You are helpless- probably the only word that describes the state. Helpless. You feel no one can help you. You feel your world crumble-literally. Your dreams become meaningless. No way forward. Not only do you no know what step to take , but there is no path before your clouded eyes.

Your breathing speeds. Heart rate too. Sometimes a shiver or two as you consider the cold possibility. Then, there is the default thought chain:

“This is not happening. This can not be”.

Denial, psychologists call it. I call it truth. Because it is. It is happening. You know it. I know it. Thinking about it is not denying its veracity. The mind just expresses the truth in a more …acceptable manner.

All along this cold, harsh, long or short road to recovery, you will remind yourself of this-in thought and sometimes by saying it. Or murmuring it.

” This is not happening”.

You don’t say this to anyone. We both know ‘this‘ is happening. We both know ‘it‘ has happened. We are just easing ourselves into the truths-gently like a mother putting her naked baby into the half-filled bathtub. She pours the lukewarm liquid around the child with care , affection and admiration of the tender skin.

Cold water stings, hot water scalds. Like our brain, our mother would never intentionally hurt us.

“This is not happening”.

We prepare for the fact, the ‘not’ is a veil- distancing us just a little from what we know is ahead.

Like the water wets the skin aiding to lather and clean,our synapses soothe. The tears serve as an outlet. It is oft said ; Women live longer than men because they express themselves better-happiness, anger, sorrow,grief. That women cry more hence move on from negative emotions faster than their husbands,brothers and nephews.

I don’t know how true this is but I agree with one valuable assertion-tears relieve.

Punctuating reality and distancing ourselves from the fact,tears remind us of a universal truth ( probably the only indisputable statement): we all die-we all return to the ground. Tears fall down. Sometimes, they run down.They carry heavy hearts…bleeding hearts. A heart break without tears is not one-so is a death or a defeat or a loss.

Losing is hard. Losing to an ultimate master is harder.When you know there is literally NOTHING you can do, it is even worse.

Like the water lathering and cleaning, tears shed ‘dirt’ off the mind. No one is ever the same after an emotionally rich cry. It changes you.

It changed me.

 

 

Image from: http://dreamandhustle.com/2012/11/my-tears-will-not-be-as-salty-as-the-african-american-reaction-to-21st-century-globalization/